i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
