I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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