I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize