She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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