The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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