and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
