Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
