I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Damn victory sex feels great
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