mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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