Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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