If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I still have a little drunk in my system
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
