My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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