Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
