1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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