I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
