I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
