I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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