Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
