Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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