Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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