I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
