I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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