i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
