3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
