just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
