Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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