Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
