you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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