It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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