Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
