i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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