I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
