just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
