Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
