I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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