Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
