Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
