well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
