can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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