I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
