tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
