what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
