there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
