My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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