i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
