wakey wakey hands off snakey
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize