my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
