Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
