Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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