that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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