dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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