I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
