he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
we should paint friendship bongs
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