cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
