If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
