just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
